If I Were Gay 'Strife Version'
by Art Of Noise
Summary: AU. Cloud is questioning his sexuality while working at a new job in Traverse Town. From what he can see and hear, his boss is a REAL asshole which is the kind of person he HATES. Can the thin line between love & hate and gay and straight be crossed? CL
1. Encounter

**Author's Note:** SOOoooooOOOO. I FINALLY got the Lyrics to that stupid song "If I Were Gay". YEAH well, after going over the lyrics, I decided to put 'em in the last chapter, or the SECOND to the last chapter. Well, ANYWAY this is the first story that I get to post under my second name, Art Of Noise. Ya know, that name fits me better than my other one, "RubiSapphireSama". Ha.

ANYWAY, please R&R. Or flame. I REALLY don' care.

Disclaimer: The jay-chan-man don't OWN Kingdom Hearts, she just likes to play it and stare at Leon's ass while he kicks hers. YAY LEON!

And NOOOOOW without FURTHER ADO, I present- the _Strife Version _of

If I Were Gay. The Version for Cloud Strife. (Sora comes later)

* * *

Chapter One: Encounter

Cloud Strife strode through the large metallic double doors of his new job in Traverse Town. It was odd, though. How such a simple town could have such a large company. Oh well. Big things came in small packages. _That_ was for sure.

He stopped in the middle of the waiting room to look around. It was very embarrassing to come to a new place and have NO IDEA where you are but alas, some things just _can't _be helped, can they? He glanced nervously at the receptionist at the desk. She stared at him dully through her shining green eyes.

"Do you have an appointment with the CEOor something?" she asked boredly.

"Err... actually, I'm here as the new secretary for a Mr. ..." he quickly looked at his application, his eyes scanning for the name of his employer. "Ah. A Mr. Leonheart."

Hearing this, the woman's eyes lit up instantly and she jumped from behind her desk, grabbing Cloud's hand. "WOOOOW! So YOU must be Squall's new secretary! COOL! MY name is YUFFIEEE! if you need anything, just go ahead and ask me, OKAY!"

"Um...thank you for your kindness, Ms. Yuffie."

"MS. Yuffie! DON'T call me THAT. You're making me sound like I'm some old hag or something. Yuffie is just fine." she giggled. "ANNNYWAY, what are you doing down here? YOU'RE supposed to be on the 17th floor with SQUALL!" she chirped, shoving him into the elevator before getting inside herself.

"Shouldn't you be at your desk waiting for people to come in? You could get fired if the CEO found out that you were absent from your post" Cloud murmured, trying whatever he can to get the overly hyper girl away from him.

"Eh? NAAAAAH, it's okay! The president, the vice, the vice-vice, the operations operator, and...well, just about the entire staff from the 13-18 floors are ALLLLLLLL off today so we get almost half of the entire building to ourselves! Isn't that the coolest?"

"Sure..."

Needless to say, it was a very long 6 minute ride up to the 17th floor. Yuffie talked non-stop about the corp and its staff, while Cloud barely listened. How horrible life could be when you're stuck in a slow moving elevator with a girl half you size with a mouth twice her own. Life could be a _bitch _sometimes.

"OOOOOH. HERE we are! 17th floor! The President, vice, secretary, and gummi development management are ALL located on this floor, the 17th. It's the BIGGEST, and the BORINGEST floor in the WHOLE building!"

'_Boringest'?_

Seemingly reading his mind...

"That's right BORINGEST! Out of this WHOLE DAMN BUILDING this floor had to be the biggest one! The CEO's office is over there, the vice president's office is over there, the manager's office is over THERE, and YOUR office" she turned around and pointed to an office right next to the vice's.

"...is over there. WATCH it though, the Vice president is a REAL hard-ass. But just ignore him. If you piss him off, he'll just get worse towards you. But don't worry, okay?" she grinned at him, winking her eye as she strode back to the elevator. "Put your things in your office, okay? I'll be back in JUUUUST a second"

Cloud sighed as he set his papers down on his brand new desk. From the looks of things, working here was going to be HARD. He HATED hard-assed people the MOST. They were just sooo _annoying. _And by the look of disdain on Yuffie's face, he could already tell that he wasn't going to like his new job. "People like him are such assholes." he muttered.

"WHO is an asshole?"

Cloud spun around to see the owner of the new voice. In front of him stood a tall man in leather clad jeans and a white T-Shirt. The brunette was leaning casually against the wall of his office, his sharp blue eyes pierced directly into Cloud's softer ones.

"Oh? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you come in here..."

"Anyway, who were you talking about?"

"O-Oh..." Cloud blushed sightly, silently cursing himself for speaking out loud. "Well...the receptionist, Yuffie, told me that the Vice President was a REAL hard-ass. And frankly, I just can't _stand _people like that. They piss me off SOOOO much."

The man seemed startled at first, then sightly amused. "A hard-ass, hmm? What's so wrong with people like THAT?" he chuckled.

"Well," Cloud began. "Their just so PRICKLY. Why be such a bastard all the time? It's not like people are going to LIKE you that way! What's the point of being so damn arrogant and indifferent? It's just sooo stupid that way..."

"You sound as if you know someone like that"

"I...I _used _to know someone like that.." Cloud whispered. "Oh...sorry, I've talk your ear off. How rude of me..."

"Tch. How _Yuffie_ of you..."

Speak of the Devil and she shall appear...

"SQUALL? What are you doing here! You're supposed to have the day off!" Yuffie cried out from the elevator, pointing an accusing finger at him.

"Hmph. I CAME to get my laptop Yuffie. Besides, what are you doing away from your desk? I TOLD you not to wander around the building, Didn't I?"

Yuffie shrank back in absolute fear. "I-I'm sorry, Squall but Cloud got lost and I decided to help him just to be a good friend and..."

"It's LEON"

"...so I just HAD to show him around, Squall! I know YOU wouldn't have done it, but he's NEW here!"

"That's LEON, Yuffie. And I TOLD you already, to NEVER leave you POST!" Leon snapped, his eyes glaring daggers at Yuffie.

Ah, if looks could kill.

"Get back to you desk, Yuffie. And this time, STAY there, or else I'll have to reconsider the thought of you working here." Leon growled angrily.

Yuffie yelped and hopped into the elevator shouting, "Sorry 'bout this! WELCOME TO THE S GUMMI CORPORATION!" (1)

Cloud stood frozen as he watched Leon stalk away to the elevator. "Oh and by the way, Strife" he turned to give Cloud a half-hearted glare. "I'm not THAT much of a hard-ass."

Cloud stared at Leon's back as he walked into he elevator, slowly heading down floor by floor.

Leon was the vice president...

...who he had insulted...

...right into his face...

...he had even said he hated people like him

...to his **_face.._**

.. .and since Leon was you typical no-nonsense man

...he could get fired...

...on the very first day...

'_I hate my life…'

* * *

_

Cloud sighed as he sunk into the burning hot water. It was only his FIRST day at work and already he had gotten himself into trouble. Luckily for him, he had no more 'encounters' that day. But Yuffie had '_warned_' him that he was going to me the rest of the Gummi Corp the next day. Not only that, but he had to be there at exact 8:15 in the morning. Sad thing is, Cloud never WAS a morning person.

He had arrived at work at 12:05, for that matter.

And he HATED waking up at anytime earlier than 8:00, to boot.

His day just kept getting better and better.

Sighing at his misfortune, he stepped out of the bath tub and gently dried himself off. He would need to get to bed early to be able to get to work the next morning. He didn't want another 'encounter' with the vice president. He didn't want to get fired after just one day of work.

Then again, getting fired looked like a pretty good idea right about now.

But he needed the money. And so there was no other way.

Ah...life's a bitch and then you die, so they say.

A slow, horrible, painful death, perfect for ending your misery.

Cloud almost groaned as he checked his cell phone messages (_he had yet to buy a phone). _32 messages ALLLL left by Sephiroth, his ex-boyfriend. Why wasn't he surprised?

"Cloud, come back to me..."

_Beeeep_

"I'm waiting for you to come HOME, Cloud"

_Beeeep_

"Cloud, come home. I miss you"

_Beeeep_

"Just how long do you plan to stay a VIRGIN, Cloud?"

_Beeeep_

"You're MINE, Cloud."

_Beeeep_

"You KNOW you want me, Cloud."

_Beeeep_

"I'll have you, eventually. You can't run from me forever! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

_Beeeep_

"-AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-"

_Beeeep_

"-AHAHAHAHA! I'll be seeing you, Cloud..."

_Beeeep_

"...Much sooner than you think."

_Beeeep_

Cloud instantly turned his cell phone off, sighing as he threw it onto his bed. When was Sephiroth going to understand that they just weren't together anymore? People can be such hard-assess. And what did he mean by 'Sooner than you think?'

'_Sooner than I think...?'_

And suddenly Cloud's two-bit, shit filled life became worse. And to make things worse he had to get up at 6:00. His day just couldn't get ANNNNYYY better.

Squall Leonheart sighed as he checked his backpack once more...TWICE more...SHIT!

He'd forgotten his laptop at his office AGAIN. DAMMIT.

And he was OFF today too.

He sighed as he started his car and drove down the street, heading straight for the Gummi Corporation.

He arrived to find Yuffie asleep at the desk. Hmph, at least it was better that having her MISSING again. But wait...wasn't someone supposed to come in today?

He paused to think for a moment, before the thought finally hit him.

Oh yeah, his new secretary! He was supposed to come in today. Well, he just hoped that this one would be stronger than the LAST one. He and his LAST secretary had gotten into a terrible fight. And he had called her a two-bit whore, which, in turn, had sent her home crying.

He had told Cid that she was getting on his nerves, but Cid didn't buy it.

"If you don't have a new secretary by next Thursday, I'm docking your pay!" Cid had yelled, throwing the company's application book at him.

And so Leon did as he was told, and sent a help wanted add to ALLL the universities within a span of 4 worlds.

How odd. Only one college had responded to this add. And in ALL, only one person had enough experience to work as his secretary.

A cute blond haired guy with baby blue eyes.

How fitting for a job like this one.

He snorted as he stepped into his office. Outside, he could here Yuffie talking to someone about him.

'_Spreading more RUMORS, Yuffie?' _he thought boredly as he quickly closed the door.

"Put your things in your office, okay? I'll be back in JUUUUST a second"

Tch. Typical Yuffie. He silently opened his door, trying to get a glimpse of his new secretary.

What a _body._

Leon quietly walked into the room, seemingly passing by unnoticed.

"People like him are such assholes."

Startled, Leon asked, "WHO is an asshole?"

The young man spun around is surprise. Well, from what Leon could see his new secretary was a pretty boy. He wondered if he was a virgin...

"Oh? I'm sorry, I didn't here you come in here..."

Already he had made a bad impression on his new secretary. What was his name? Cloud Stripes?

NOO...Cloud _Strife._

"Anyway, who were you talking about?"

"O-Oh..." Cloud blushed sightly, and Leon could see the embarrassment in his eyes. "Well...the receptionist, Yuffie, told me that the Vice President was a REAL hard-ass. And frankly, I just can't _stand _people like that. They piss me off SOOOO much."

Leon blinked, startled. First day and he was already having doubts? HA! How inspiring... "A hard-ass, hmm? What's so wrong with people like THAT?" he chuckled.

"Well," Cloud began. "Their just so PRICKLY. Why be such a bastard all the time? It's not like people are going to LIKE you that way! What's the point of being so damn arrogant and indifferent? It's just sooo stupid that way..."

"You sound as if you know someone like that"

"I...I _used _to know someone like that.." Cloud whispered. "Oh...sorry, I've talk your ear off. How rude of me..."

Leon huffed. "Tch. How _Yuffie_ of you..."

"SQUALL? What are you doing here! You're supposed to have the day off!" Yuffie cried out from the elevator, pointing an accusing finger at him.

"Hmph.That's LEON.I came to get my laptop Yuffie. Besides, what are you doing away from your desk? I TOLD you not to wander around the building, Didn't I?"

He nearly grinned as Yuffie shrank back in absolute fear. "I-I'm sorry, Squall but Cloud got lost and I decided to help him just to be a good friend and..."

"It's LEON"

"...so I just HAD to show him around, Squall! I know YOU wouldn't have done it, but he's NEW here!"

"That's LEON, Yuffie. And I TOLD you already, to NEVER leave you POST!" Leon snapped, his eyes glaring daggers at Yuffie.

Ah, if looks could kill.

"Get back to you desk, Yuffie. And this time, STAY there, or else I'll have to reconsider the thought of you working here." Leon growled angrily.

Yuffie yelped and hopped into the elevator shouting, "Sorry 'bout this! WELCOME TO THE S GUMMI CORPORATION!"

Leon headed towards the elevator, hearing Cloud's jaw drop as he said "I'm not THAT much of a hard-ass."

END chapter one. PHEW, I'm BEAT. R&R, okay? I'm taking a nap. If you find any errors, its because I was half asleep when I wrote this.

(1) just a name that I made up.


	2. Surpises In The Closet

Thank you ALL! I LOVED the reviews! I LOVED THEM! WEEEEEEEEEEEE! (dance dance.)0 YAY!ཀNow, because you were ALL so nice to me, I present to you NOW, Chapter 2.ཀཀ

This is **_NOT_** a Squaffie or a Cloud x Yuffie. NO NO NO NO NO NO WAY IN HELL. The pairings are as follows.

Cloud x Leon

Yuffie x Aerith (maybe)

Riku x Sora

Sephiroth x Cloud (minor)

Ansem x Sephiroth (SUPER MAYBE. But trust me, It'll be FUNNY)

* * *

Chapter 2: Surprises In the Closet

* * *

Cloud groaned as his alarm clock beeped 5:30 am. Just 10 more minutes...all he needed was just 10 more minutes and...and...

But if he was late to work, they might dock his pay. And he _needed _to get payed. There was no way he could deny it. Plus, he really didn't think that his new boss what tolerate tardiness anyway.

'_Not with the look he gave me yesterday. UGH, damn bastard thinks that he can scare me...' He bitterly thought as he stepped into the shower. Groggily, he leaned his head against the hard marble wall. 'Sephiroth...he said that he'd be seeing me soon. I wonder what he meant...? I didn't even tell Tifa about my new job!' _he inwardly groaned, hoping that Sephiroth wasn't planning on stalking him.

* * *

"Cloud...CLOUD...CLOUD! WAKE UP!" 

"Five...more...minutes..."

"CLOUD! Leon will dock your pay if he catches you SLEEPING! WAKE UP OR ELSE-"

"..."

Cloud reluctantly opened one eye, peering over his arms at Yuffie. "Sorry, Yuffie. I had a rough night..."

Yuffie smiled sweetly. "It's alright. But if Leon catches you, he'll take 20 bucks right off your paycheck! He's VEEERRRRRY strict on SLEEPING!" she screamed, heading for the elevator.

'_Could you be any louder?'_

"DON'T WORRY!" she cried. "IF YOU FALL ASLEEP AGAIN, I'LL BE SURE TO WAKE YOU UP!"

"Thanks..." he groaned, closing his eyes.

He was awakened by a stack of papers smacked into his face. "Wha-Wha!"

As expected, Leon was glaring down at him. "If I catch you sleeping again, I'll take out 40 dollars instead of the usual 20." he growled, slamming his hands on the desk. "And I want all these papers read, filed, and signed."

Cloud's eyes went wide. "B-But I can't finish all these papers by closing time!" he protested, staring at the near 2 feet pile of papers.

Leon shrugged. "Then I guess you'll have to keep on working."

"Past _closing _time!"

"Look," Leon hissed. "You feel asleep on the job, and now you have to pay for it. I don't care if it takes you 6 hours to get this done, but you _will _get all of this done, understood?"

"Yessir!" Cloud squeaked, sinking back into his chair.

"Good."

'_Ugh, that bastard is doing this on purpose?' _he angrily thought as he scanned a sheet of paper. '_Who the hell does he think he is? Does he want me to fear him? Does he THINK that I'm afraid of him?' _The flames of hell rose around him as he angrily stamped another sheet.

* * *

Yuffie bounced through the elevator and up to Cloud's desk, grinning. It was near closing time, and she wanted to walk home with Cloud; to talk him into buying her something to eat on the way.

"Cloud?" she sang, knocking on the door. She was answered by screams.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE HIM?" he cried. "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH HIM! WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS!"

Yuffie backed away from the door in surprise. Still in shock, she tentatively knocked on the door again, only to hear more screams.

Cloud bashed his stamp directly onto the next sheet, causing the entire desk to shake. "AND TO THINK THAT I THOUGHT YOU WERE NICE! **_NICE! _**BUT NOOOOOO! YOU WENT AND YELLED AT ME FOR TAKING A LITTLE NAP! WELL SCREW YOU!"

"Cloud...?"

"SOME PEOPLE HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO! HOW CAN YOU MAKE A NEWBIE WORK PAST OFFICE HOURS?"

Immediately, Yuffie entered the room, just in time to see Cloud destroy his desk and chair. She stared at him in surprise, then turned her gaze to the mess in his office.

"CLOUD! LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" she cried, pointing at the pile of wood that used to be his desk.

Cloud froze in his ramblings to stare down at his desk. His eyes went wide at the realization of what he had done. "Oh, shit..."

"Leon is going to murder you when he sees this" Yuffie sighed, shaking her head.

As if on cue, Leon burst from in his office, looking none to happy. "What happened! I heard a noise that sounded like something breaking."

Yuffie and Cloud immediately huddled up at the door, preventing Leon from seeing the demolished room. "You-You were p-probably hearing things!" Yuffie stammered, giving Leon a fake smile. Leon raised an eyebrow suspiciously, trying to gaze over Cloud's shoulder.

"Oh really? Because I could have sworn that I heard-"

"You didn't hear anything!" Cloud screamed. "That is, anything that would cause alarm, or something. Heh-heh...heh..."

"Hmmm...I didn't believe Yuffie, and I don't believe you. What are you two hiding?" He asked, pushing Yuffie over to gaze fully over her shoulder. Immediately, Yuffie jumped in front of him, holding her hands out in front of her. "NO, REALLY! NOTHING HAPPENED SO YOU CAN JUST LEAVE!"

Leon narrowed his eyes

"MOVE."

They both shook their heads.

Without so much as a warning, Leon roughly picked Cloud up, ignoring the protests and struggles of the shocked blond man. He marched into the room with Yuffie hot on his heels and with Cloud still struggling (and blushing). No sooner had he entered the room, had he dropped Cloud on his ass in his own shock.

Before him was the remnants of what used to be a desk, wood and papers lying ripped and scattered all over the room. With steam practically blowing out of his ears, he turned towards Cloud and Yuffie, who were huddling next to each other in fear.

"_Strife," _he hissed, storming over to the blond in fury. (with dramatic back-lighting and all!) "_Care to explain what happened here?" _

"I-It was an accident! My, um, hand...s-slipped..."

"And you ended up _destroying the entire desk?"_

"Um...s-sorry."

Leon opened his mouth to bark out an insult, but was interrupted by Yuffie. "He didn't mean it, Leon! REALLY! It was just an accident, he was just trying to-"

"You've fallen asleep on the job, arrived late to work, AND you've just destroyed a 200 dollar desk. ALL ON YOUR FIRST DAY. Tell me, Strife. How in seven hells did someone as clumsy as you get a job like this?"

Cloud glared at him, his face turning red in anger. "In case you have forgotten, YOU hired ME!" Cloud cried, jumping to his feet.

"And THAT ALONE must be the DUMBEST thing I've EVER done!"

"Listen, Leon! IT was a MISTAKE! MISTAKE! I DIDN'T BREAK IT ON PURPOSE!"

"Yeah, RIGHT! Who the HELL destroys an entire DESK by 'accident'! That's 200 dollars off of your paycheck!"

Cloud froze at this, his face flushing as he stared at Leon in horror. "What?"

"You heard me. Someone needs to pay for all of this. And who better than the one who caused all of it?"

"Bu-But I can't! _YOU_ CAN'T! I _need _that money too...too..."

"Yea? Well I don't give a damn if you starve or get kicked out of your house. YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS DESK!" Leon growled, stomping out of the office. "And you are _not _leaving until you finish ALL of those papers. I want to see them FIRST thing tomorrow morning. Am I clear?"

Cloud nodded, dumbfounded as he tried to think on how he was going to eat for the next couple of days.

* * *

"So, basically, you're broke?"

"Not EXACTLY 'broke' but I don't exactly have MONEY either..."

"Oh..."

'_Goddamn that bastard, Leon! Wonder how I'm supposed to pay my bills now...' _Cloud thought bitterly, sniffing back his emotions.

Yuffie giggled, totally ignoring the fact that Cloud was in a predicament on his first real day of work. "You know, I think Squall likes you."

Cloud turned towards her, his eye twitching as he asked "**_How ya figure?_**"

"Oh, come on! You've heard of love at first sight, right? Besides, there's a whole lot of sexual tension between you two!"

Cloud sighed. "Yuffie, I just met the guy, and I _already _know how much of an asshole he is. How the hell could you think that I'm in love with that..._that..._"

Yuffie shrugged. "Well, it's the way he yells at you. Its different from the way he yells at everyone else. There's more...you know, _tension._"

"Yuffie, you aren't making any sense at all. They way you yell is the way you yell. There's nothing different about it."

Yuffie turned around, giving Cloud the thumbs up sign before she left. "You'll see it my way sooner or later! (hopefully sooner...)"

Cloud rolled his eyes and opened his apartment door. But before he got more than 4 feet inside, strong arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him backwards.

"I've been waiting for this moment, Cloud."

"What?"

* * *

Leon sighed as he threw himself onto his bed. What a hard day it had been! Gosh, was he glad to be home. But tomorrow means another hard day at work. 

With that _idiot _Cloud Strife.

Who the HELL destroys an entire desk on his own? And by 'accident'?

'_I'm beginning to regret picking such a bimbo to work here. Although...'_

But...when he had picked up the blonde, he couldn't help but notice how soft he was. For someone his age, he was surprisingly light. Not to mention how adorable he looked when he blushed.

Wait, why was he thinking all of this? That idiot was a major slacker, not to mention his little habit of ticking Leon off. But he was just so adorable...

'_I wonder if he gets enough to eat...he looks so frail for someone in their twenty's' _

Great, and now he was worried about his health. Talk about adding insult to injury. Pretty soon he would be wondering if he slept alone at night, or if he had enough body heat to carry on through the day. Or...

'_What a house wife you'll make, Squall. Before you know it, you'll be making his breakfast and kissing him off to work' _he bitterly thought to himself.

But judging on how cute and lonely Cloud looked, House wife didn't seem so bad...

* * *

THERE! FINISHED! Sorry that I couldn't update fast enough! I've had stuff to do for a _while_. Anyway, Sephiroth, Sora, Riku, and Aerith (and maybe even Kairi) are all in the next chapter, okay? DON'T FORGET TO R&R! 


	3. It Hurts So Good

Thank you EVERYONE! Thanks for reviewing me!ཀ I hope you like this chapterཀཀ Sexy-roth, Sora, Riku, Aertih, and Kairi get introduced in this chapter!ཀཀཀ YAY!

Sorry, it took so long to update! I started school a little bit ago and I'm ALREADY failing one of my classes.

Sry, guys! No Leon in this chapter. If I get more then 10 reviews, tho, I'll put a MINOR love scene between Leon and Cloud in the next chapter! (Yes I KNOW the chapter title sounds weird, but bear with me!)

HEY! This is a new chapter! Didn't someone promise to gimme somethin if a posted a new chapter...?

* * *

Chapter 3 (this IS chapter 3, right?): It Hurts So Good

* * *

"S-S-Sephiroth?ཀ What are you doing here?ཀ" Cloud cried, frantically backing himself up against a wall. 

"Why, Cloud I'm hurt." Sephiroth said in mock hurt, dramatically clutching his heart. "I came ALL the way from Hollow Bastion just to see you.(says he) The _least_ you can do is give me a warm welcome."

"How the HELL did you get into my apartment, you stalker! What are you doing here!ཀ (_how's that for a warm welcome?)_" Cloud screamed as he shoved Sephiroth away. "I thought for sure you weren't going to follow me this time! "

"Oh, but I've missed you so much, Cloud. How do you think I felt that day when I went to your apartment, only to find you not there?"

"You BROKE into my old apartment?"

Sephiroth smiled innocently, pulling Cloud closer. "My darling, how I have missed you. Come, let us make up for lost time. (We can have sooo much fun together)"

Cloud sighed heavily. "Sephiroth, how many times do I have to tell you that I'm NOT gay?"

Sephiroth blinked.

"OH, Cloud. I pity you. You're in such _denial...(you poor, poor thing)_"

"Sephiroth, I am NOT going to have a discussion with you in the middle of my living room at 2 a.m. about my sexual preferences! Just leave so I can go to sleep. I have to wake up early tomorrow" (mood swing much?)

"But my dear, I couldn't leave you if I wanted too (_and trust me, I **don't** want to _wink>. You see, there is a certain someone that is looking for me, and I fear that if I go back to Hollow Bastion, I'll surely be caught."

Cloud snorted. "Somehow, hearing something like this from you isn't very surprising, Sephiroth. What'd you do? _Rape _somebody?"

"Cloud, my oblivious little angel. You know that I would never do such a thing to anybody."

"Huh. _Sure..."_

Sephiroth sighed. "My precious, what kind of devious, horrible, _disgusting_ type of monster do you take me for?"

"The kind that stalks people, breaks into their apartment, pushes them up against a wall, and tries to molest them!"

* * *

_(Dish ish a new scene, people!)_

Cloud sighed heavily, taking another sip of coffee from his mug.It was now 3am, and here he was STILL AWAKE, mind you, having a conversation with the biggest pervert in the _world_.

"I am sorry that I had to meet you under such harsh circumstances, Cloud." Sephiroth whispered, staring at his mug in 'despair' "I had to leave rather quickly." he added darkly.

"Why? Whose chasing you this time? The FBI?"

"_CLOSE, _but NO."

"Then who?"

"Oh, Cloud" He shook his head. "Have you ever heard of a man named Ansem?"

"No. No, I haven't. Why...?" then more suspiciously "What did you do him?"

Sephiroth smiled. Quite scarily, I might add. "Then don't you worry your beautiful blonde little head, Cloud. I wont let any harm come towards you, my love." He grinned

"Wait! Sephiroth, who the HELL is Ansem! And what the hell do you mean by harming me! You're not making any sense!"

"I'd love to answer you, but I'm rather tired. Lets head into bed (if you know what I mean)." Sephiroth sighed lovingly, picking up the blonde and carrying him off towards the bedroom..

"Sephiroth, let GO of me, you sick son of a bi-"

* * *

Yuffie watched Cloud flop over this desk (his NEW desk, mind you all) in frustration (or it seemed to be). The sigh and flop over again. Finally, having grown tired of his new position, Cloud sighed once more and flopped over. "Cloud...? Is something wrong? You seem different..." 

"Oh," came the nonchalant reply. "Do I?"

"Yes! Very much!" and then randomly " Don't you want to come and meet the crew? There all waiting to meet you, you know."

"Oh, please. I have too much on my mind right now to be seen by sane people. I'd rather just sit here and _rest..."_

"Aww, you poor thing. Does it have to do with that guy who just started here? The one with the long silver hair?"

"YES...is it that obvious?"

"Oh, Cloud! Its alright. I'm sure that meeting everyone will make you feel all better!"

"Oh, alright" Cloud sighed, slowly following Yuffie to the lobby.

And not watching where he was going

And he ended up bumping into possibly one of the hardest things in the world.

The chest of tall OLD blonde dude (Cid Highwind)

What a wonderful day he was having.

"Oh, I'm sor...ry...?"

"WAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So this is the klutz that Leon hired? Kinda scrawny doncha think?" laughed the tall blonde orangutan-man .

"And who's this? Some kind of deformed gorilla?"

The man sneered, then gave Cloud a 'friendly' slap on his back. "Fresh, too eh? The name's Cid Highwind, kid. Please ta meetcha. And I'm-"

"Yeah, Yeah. Who cares old man?" interrupted a tall silver haired man...boy. He winked at Cloud seductively, tossing back his shoulder length hair with a grin. "Hey. My name's Riku Akehino. I'm 19 and I'm an intern here."

"Pleased to meet you Riku" Cloud gave a hesitant smile (_this kid reminded him of Sephiroth shudder_)

"No, no." he brought Cloud's hand to his lips. "Pleasure's all mine..."

He leaned down to kiss his hand...

...and was met by a sharp smack in the back of his head.

A small cinnamon haired boy calmly stepped up from behind Riku, giving Cloud a polite (SCARY) smile (and a glare).

"And my name is Sora Aikito. I'm Riku's _boyfriend _((_so don't go getting any ideas, punk)_"

"Aren't you two a little too young to even be interns here?"

Riku, having recovered from nearly being murdered, straightened himself up. "Oh, don't worry about that. The service here is really cheep. All you have to do is slip the president a twenty and He'll let you work here at age 10. Especially if you agree to pay him half your salary!"

Aerith clucked her tongue. "Now, now Riku. Don't make him sound like he's some perverted old man, He just wants what's best for you."

Cid: YEA!

"Now mattter how old he is..."

"RIGHT- wait WHAT!"

"-And not minding the fact that he likes little boys. Deep down, he's really a kind sweet-hearted person. Just like you or me."

"RIGHT!"

Cloud rolled his eyes, stalking towards the elevator.

* * *

Sephiroth slid into the elevator, wearing a smile that would make the Cheshire cat proud. 

Tonite was THE night.

He would stroll into Cloud's office and offer the blonde some tea (_secretly spiked with beer and horny goat weed). _Afterwards, he would take Cloud home where they would watch an endless marathon of gay porn (while giving Cloud more 'tea'). After this, he would carry/drag Cloud (carry, drag,_ force, whatever. _It was all the same to him ;) into the bedroom where they would have endless sex until daybreak.

His plan was PERFECT. Nothing could go wrong nothing.

Sephiroth grinned, pelvic thrusting at his reflection in the mirrored walls. WHO was gonna score? pelvic thrust HE was gonna score. >pelvic thrust> OH yea, OH YEA OH YEA

With a confident grin he strolled into the hallway, his cock throbbing with every step of the way... >pelvic thrust>

...he reached for the door >pelvic thrust>

...turned the handle >pelvicthrust thrust>

and RAN IN-

-to see that Riku had already beat him too it.

Bent over Cloud's desk was a very happy (and very HORNY) Riku making a terrible attempt to flirt with a very exasperated, and very irritated Cloud.

"What are you doing in here, brat?"

Riku looked up. "Excuse me?"

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes. "I SAID what the hell do you think you're doing in here, brat?"

It was Riku's turn to look pissed. "First of all, I'm not a brat, OLD man. SECOND, I'm just here saying hi to our new secretary."

"Huh. Well, you've over stayed your welcome. (_So scram)"_

"I don't need to leave unless I WANT to leave."

Cloud groaned. "Riku, I don't believe you've met Sephiroth? He's also new here and-"

"Yea, yea. Nice to meet you spike."

"NICE to meet you too, ass. Now please, if you could step aside, me and Cloud have some...talking to do. (_wink wink)_

"HA! Can't you see that he doesn't want you!"

"Who determines that, you stupid little brat!"

"At least I know I HAVE a boyfriend, you pitiful, sad excuse for a man!"

"You DARE call me that, you stupid, ignorant, mindless oaf!"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THE BIG WORDS?"

"You mindless fool!" (_How did It get this far?)_

"At least I think with my HEAD instead of my DICK!"

"At least I HAVE a DICK!"

"_You _**ARE **a DICK!"

* * *

Ugh...done...thank God. Please R&R! Sorry if It's short. And sorry if the grammar is fucking sucky. i REALLY can not STAND the way they format things here. It is soOOO fucking FUCKY! 


	4. Secret Sauce

Okay... I realize that my writing style for this story so far has totally sucked, and that I've overlooked a couple of typos. So I shall now try to instigate a more resourceful method of commencing the story thus far and attempting to stimulate the excitement in all of you, and to naturally create a exhilarated response that I know all of you contain.

Okay, I have no fuckin clue what I just said. If you do...well, then good for you. REALLY, good for you.

Okay... new chapter. There was no Leon in the last chapter so I shall try to center this chapter around him.

I'm really happy that so many of you enjoy this story! Really, this is GREAT!

Chapter...um...3? 4: Secret Sauce.

xXxXxXxXxX1

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! You goddamn retards. SHUT UP!" screamed Cid Highwind. Everyone was gathered in the employee lounge (the amazingly TINY employee lounge, mind you all) courtesy of said blonde, all chattering wondering why the hell they had been taken away from a wonderfully relaxing 4 minute break. ("HEY! Time is gummi and gummi is MONEY!" ) -their boss had always said.

To Cloud, the phrase sounded too much like Cid. Hmm...

A small movement at the back of the stuffed room caught his attention, and he focused his blue eyes on the figure. As if on cue, his eyes ere met by a VERY harsh glare. Blushing, (in annoyance, people!) He hastily glanced away.

Grr...stupid Leon. Or Squall. Or whatever the HELL his name was.

I mean seriously, what complete and total loser had 2 names anyway!

His eyes scanned the room for something else to look at. Something. ANYTHING.

A freaking toilet would have made him feel better at the moment. But still...when his eyes had throughly scanned the room, all he could stare at was Leon.

Stupid Leon.

Stupid stick up the ass Leon.

Grr...stupid Leon and his stupid double names and long hair and blue eyes and deep voice and-

"Attention, please. ATTENTION!." Leon spoke softly, as if trying to convince a cat to jump off a bridge.

No one even gave him a second glance. "People, please..." Leon grumbled. His plea fell on deaf ears.

Cloud blushed darkly, seemingly the only person who was even LOOKING at Leon. How could such an ass have such a wonderfully deep, dark rich...soothing voice.

"WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING?" he screamed...out loud. And in an instant, all eyes were focused on him.

Leon, however, was not surprised. "Thank you, Cloud. Now that you have so obviously gathered everyone's attention I can begin. Now, for one...we would like to introduce the newest member of our staff. Sephiroth Saishino."

And the whole damn room erupted in applause. Sephiroth stepped onto the makeshift stage (making sure to SHOVE Leon out of the way first) blowing kisses and bowing. "Thank you ALL for adoration. Really, you are too kind." he whispered (rather loudly) wiping away fake streams of tears from his eyes.

"GET THE HELL OFF THE STAGE, YOU WALKING MEATROD!" screamed an all too familiar voice.

Ignoring the rude comment, Sephiroth shifted his attention to the blonde beauty sulking in the corner. "But I never would have come to this wonderful place had it not been for my lovely Cloud..." he pointed to said person, who was currently trying to self destruct under all the heated gazes he was receiving.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, KID? ARE YOU ON CRACK!" again cries the voice.

Sephiroth (unfortunately) continues "I will give my best to you all, and the community. I swear that on my life, I shall NEVER fail you..." he dramatically paused...earning glares, stares and swoons from the audience.

"ALL YOUR DOING IS DELIVERING BOXES, YOU LONG-HAIRED IDIOT!" responds the voice.

Sephiroth twitched. "And I will carry out any task bestowed upon me..."

"GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE, LOSER!"

"For I know that is for the greater good that intergalactic travel is achieved in the greater good-"

"YOU'RE NOT MAKING SENSE!"

"T-That...t-the p-people are...a-able...to...gummi... I mean...travel...with...the"

"GIVE IT UP FOR THE WALKING-TALKING-DICTIONARY, FOLKS!"

The last straw had been broken, and suddenly Sephiroth leapt off the 'stage' and into the 'audience'. Screams were heard, and then an awkward silence.

"FIGHT!" screamed another all to recognizable female voice.

Leon rushed onto the 'stage' screaming for the security to break up the commotion.

"Settle down, everyone."

Not a single head turned in his direction.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU GODDAMN BASTARDS! I SWEAR, I WILL FIRE EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!"

Silence.

Leon cleared his throat. "Um...I suppose that was all...erm. You can all get back to work now..."

And in .3 seconds everyone was gone.

xXxXxXxXxXxXxX2

Riku smiled. EVILLY smiled. His plan was perfect.

PEEERRFEECT.

"Yuffie?" he purred into his intercom.

"Yes, Riku?" came the overly hyper voice.

"I need you to call up our brand new _delivery boy._ Tell him to be quick, I wont wait for long. I have a very _special _delivery that I need him to pick up. Tell him that I might even have a nice tip waiting for him if he hurries up." he smirked, hearing the obvious reaction on the young woman.

"Riku, when you talk like that you sound even creepier than you usually are. Why don't you just SHUT up and tell Sephiroth that you're trying to poison him?"

The obviously BAD reaction.

"Because, my dear sweet little girl, that would make our little situation a LOT less fun, now wouldn't it?" Riku grinned, smoothing back his beautiful silver hair. He moaned softly as his fingertips brushed against his soft scalp...slowly bring his nails down to his beautiful face.

He must've forgotten that the intercom was still on.

"RIKU!" screeched a very DISGUSTED Yuffie. "WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP MOLESTING YOURSELF OVER THE PHONE!"

"Oh, Sora..."

Yuffie sighed. "I'm not even going to ASK about what you're doing up there."

Surprisingly enough...

"Yuffie...?" slurred a new voice (wonder who it is...?). "Just send the delivery boy over. I...erm, that is WE have an assignment for him."

Yuffie was almost too happy to comply.

xXxXxXxXxXx3

Leon sighed as he strode through the door that lead to his office. In all honesty, he had NO FRIGGIN clue why the president had pushed him to hire such complete and utter idiots. Groaning, he unbuttoned his dress shirt and casually unzipped fly.

It was good to be alone.

He was kicked out of this thoughts, however when a dark shadow stepped towards his door. Seemingly panicked, the shadow frantically moved around the door...then stopped. Then began waltzing back and forth. Finally satisfied, the shadow dropped what seemed to be a package in front of his door and ran away.

Hmph. People these days. It was almost as if the staff was afraid of him.

He swung open the door, snatched the package, secretly looked left...then right...then LEFT and ducked back into his room.

He stared at the package...uninterested he read the...demolished piece of paper attached to it.

It said:

FROM RIKU: THIS IS NOT RIKU! THIS IS SEPHYROTHE! I made you this yummi curry to show you how much shit you have in you ass. MI HANDE IS BROoKEN! Thak u 4 hyiring me! Now please eet this contaminated food and fire my retarded ass as soon as POSSIBLE! Have a nice day. :)

Love, Sephybitch.

Leon stared at the package unfazed. What? Its not like this hasn't happened before.

This is _Squall Leonheart _we're talking about.

But...what to do with the package?

Grinning, he hastily took out a permanent marker and crossed out his name on the package, replacing it with 'Cloud Strife' before walking to his door and throwing the package out.

Now to watch the fire works.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx4

Cloud was peacefully snoozing on his desk, losing about 25 dollars an hour. While happily drifting off into La-La land, a-

BIG FAT THING HIT THE BACK OF HIS HEAD AND HE JERKED AWAKE SCREAMING CAUSE HE WAS SO SCARED THAT THE PINK FLUFFY BUNNIES (that had Leon, Sephiroth, and Riku's heads on their shoulders) HAD COME TO MOLEST HIM AND KICK HIM IN THE ARSE FOR STEALING THE PAYCHECK OF FREEDOM!.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed the terrified blonde, more than a little tipsy from the beer that Sora had offered him. (He seemed a little TOO happy to be offering anything to anyone).

"Oh...? Wash Dish?" he slurred, picking up the wet stinky box. Hmmmm. He surveyed it carefully...VERY carefully.

In his drunken state, he eyed the card that was super glued to the front of the box. It must have been...

"A BOMB!" he shrieked. He jumped out of his seat and raced towards the Vice room.

"LEON!" he screamed. "LEON! HELP! Someone dropped a bomb in some curry and OHMIGAWD I think someone is trying to KILL ME!"

The door slowly opened, and out stepped Leon. YAY! "What the hell are you getting at, Strife?" he growled trying to hide his glee.

Until he noticed how flushed the man beneath him's face was.

"Leon...I think there's a murderer in this building.." Cloud whispered.

Leon twitched. "And just what have you been drinking lately, Mr. Strife?"

Cloud brightened. "OH! Ya, Sora came down and gave me this REALLY yummy drink called a Purple Nocturne."

There had never been more of a feeling to kill in Squall Leonheart as there was now. "Strife," he began slowly. "Why the in the name of all that is good and holy are you here during WORK hours getting DRUNK? And in MY office, no less?"

Cloud looked confused. "Work Time? Ish not work time, its BREAK time!" cried the blonde.

"It was BREAK TIME an hour ago! Why the hell is Sora giving some idiot like YOU alcohol, anyway!"

"Nyu-unh!" Cloud stuck his tongue out. "Sora told me that EVERY time is break time. And you know what, he's RIGHT!"

Seemingly Remembering something...

"OH THAT'S RIGHT! THE BOMB!" screamed the Cloud. "LEON! OHMIGAWD, SOMEONE DROPPED THIS BOMB IN SOME CURRY AND I THINK THAT SOMEONE COULD BE TRYING TO KILL ME!"

"Wonder why..." Leon replied flatly. Sighing, he walked towards the makeshift desk and picked up the package lying in the flurry of papers. "This doesn't look like a bomb to me, you fool." he hissed. "I bet you didn't even read the card!"

"Yes, I did! And I'm tellin ya, there's someone dangerous in this building!" Cloud screeched.

"THE ONLY one dangerous in this building is YOU, Strife! You been here for barely 4 weeks and you've already done more idiotic things than I've ever done in high school!" (And damn, Leon did some pretty stupid shit!)

"I'm SORRY!" Cloud screamed.

"SORRY, isn't going to take back all the forms you've turned into airplanes, the ass prints on the copier or the sketches on the ORDER FORMS! Do you have ANY experience at ALL, STRIFE!"

Cloud looked as though he was about to shoot someone. "I'm SORRY, OKAY? I'm just a little stressed out from all that's happened in the last month!"

"Listen, you dumbass! YOU are MORE stressful than ANYTHING in this business!"

"I AM NOT!"

"YES, YOU ARE!"

Cloud, over come with anger, puffed out his cheeks and narrowed his eyes. Screaming, he angrily kicked Leon in the shins.

And the war began.

Needless to say, the little act of defiance coming from the NEW COMER surprised Leon. In a blur of movement, he grabbed the curry from of the desk, flew (almost literally o.O) towards the stunned blonde and threw the bowl into this face. This movement caused Cloud to tumble backwards...backwards...and backwards...into...into...

LEON'S OFFICE.

Screaming Cloud fell backwards into Leon's office, splattering curry onto the walls, the carpet and...

Leon's DESK.

LEON'S DESK.

Leon's desk...desk...desk...DESK.

But worst of all...

Into Cloud's HAIR.

HAIR...HAIR...hair...hair...

Time had stopped. Utterly stopped. The two most scared things in the universe had been defiled and time had just crapped its pants watching.

Cloud sat in silence as the contaminated _curry _dripped from his hair and into his lap. His hair...his beautiful, perfect, flawless hair had been SOILED...and there he lay...in an intoxicated/utterly shocked position...his eyes wide open in horror.

His eyes watered.

His lip trembled.

His body shivered.

"Ugh. Look at what you did to my OFFICE, Cloud you idiot. You know how long it takes the janitor to clean this room?" Leon hissed.

No response.

"Cloud!"

No response.

"Get up off your lazy ass and clean up this mess RIGHT now! If its not clean by the time I get back, you will be in HUGE trouble, understood? I WILL take away your paycheck. Cloud?"

Cloud bowed his head, in an almost utter act of defeat. "You...bastard. You just...screwed up the only shred of pride I have left..." he whispered.

"So you got some curry in your hair, so what? At least its not in you eyes. Now shut the hell up and clean this room."

Cloud shook in anger. "What am I to do...? I spent all my money on food last week and I don't have enough to buy anymore shampoo..and my hair. I..._I_..."

His head shot up, his eyes full of tears. He burst from the room, sobbing loudly, flying towards the stairs.

Leaving behind a stunned Leon, a surprised Yuffie (who just showed up), a shocked Aerith (same here) and a VERY happy Sora.

xXxXxXxXxXx5

"I can't believe you did such a thing, Squall Leonheart!" Yuffie sighed, her eyes full of sadness. "Do you have any idea what you've done?"

Leon glared at her. "He deserved it. He was DRUNK on the job, Yuffie. DRUNK. Plus, he kicked me. Good riddance, I say."

Aerith huffed. "Have you ever been to that poor boys apartment? I feel bad just remembering my visit." she sighed. "But..." she glanced at Yuffie.

Yuffie grinned back. "That's a GREAT idea!" she cried and hastily wrote down something on a sheet of paper.

Leon swore. Sometimes it was hard to tell if those two were lovers or twins. Yuffie smiled at him, and handed him the paper she was writing on.

"Here. Take this and go to the address written on it. You'll be surprised at what you find there."

And on that note, the two female lovers left, leaving Leon in a scramble of his own thoughts. Sighing, he stood up and prepared to go to the address on the paper.

Cloud's Apartment.

xXxXxXxXxXxXend6.

Not that much of a cliffhanger, I kno. Thanks for all your lovely reviews! Here's the chapter that you've all wanted so badly!

I'm starting to think about changing the name, since this fic is SOOO plotless. Just so you know, I rushed to finish this chapter, so if you find a typo, tell me about it. Most of you probably expected a more explosive response from Leon. I did too, but then i decided that this is CLOUD we're talking about. So it was pretty much expected.

with lotsa luv.


	5. Cloud's Life

HOLY SHIT! IT's been a WHILE since I updated, huh? Oh well...I'm sorry guys. I've been depressed lately. And I still am. Maybe this will cheer me up...

Chapter: WHAT? Is is like...4? or is it 3 or 5?

Chapter Whatever the hell: Cloud's Life.

* * *

Leon sighed as he stared at the ugly brown apartment door. He rubbed his temples, cleared his throat and rose his hand to knock on the door. Before he could touch it, however...he lowered his hand, scratched the back of his neck and once again...sighed.

It wasn't HIS fault that he had lost his temper. That Cloud was such a friggin nuisance. First off, he never showed up at work on time. Second, he was loud and obnoxious. Third...he was nosy. And to top if off, he get's himself DRUNK during work hours. And to make himself more of an ass, he splashes CURRY all over his OFFICE. HIS OFFICE! His office was his SANCTUARY! He didn't even let the janitors in there.

And that fool has to go and ruin his perfect office. With CURRY! The stuff is a bitch to get off...

He glared at the door, daring it to open. He huffed and swiftly turned on his heels. The blonde deserved what he got. You'd expect him to know better! He lives in the slums, in TRAVERSE TOWN. The most horrible and disgusting place to live in on that side of the city. Still...

It was a wonder how he made it to work smelling so fresh and looking Oh-So-Delicious. He probably spent all his time grooming himself at night and sleeping in during the morning.

Leon smirked as he stalked out of the back doors of the apartment, pausing to flick a bug off his shoes...

Grr...

Damn bugs.

"AND THEN HE-HE THREW IT IN MY HAIR! DID YOU HERE! MY **HAIR!** (hiccup) Can you believe that?"

Leon froze. '_That sounds like...' _

His head snapped around, frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, his head stopped at the lowest window (half buried by dirt). Inside an incredibly dim light glowed, and he could faintly see a spiky, curry-covered, blonde head bouncing around inside. He lowered his head to the ground (careful not to let his hair touch the filthy surface) and pressed his ear to the window.

"NO, TIFA!" he sobbed, "It'll NEVER come out! I've tried! NOTHING IS WORKING!"

Leon raised an eyebrow. '_He's still upset about that? It's just a little curry...' _

"SHUT THE HELL UP, TIFA! It's NOT just a little bit of curry! MY hair is the LAST bit of pride I have LEFT!"

Leon groaned.

Cloud sunk to the ground, pulling his knees to his chest. "No, Tifa" he whispered, "He will never understand. And neither will you or ANYONE else. He's always yelling at me for being late, when I don't even own a car, or enough money to pay for the bus fair. And then I fall asleep on the job so much I might even get fired. But you don't understand! I have to walk home and I've only been here for 19 days, so I get lost a lot. Plus, Sephiroth is here and he's always trying to rape me, my paycheck is always getting DOCKED, I have to pay bills and I don't even have food in my fridge! And most importantly, I haven't payed my rent and they're going to kick me out!"

Cloud nuzzled his chin into his knees and sighed. "No. Mr. Leonheart has every right to yell at me. I'm so lazy and stupid. I should have never picked this job, I'm too poor for it. I might as well resign and go work at the 10 cent store...what? No, no! Tifa, I'm not going to do that! I mean, he's attractive, sure as hell but...that's just it! He's my boss and...well...you get the idea..."

Leon felt his heart sink.

Cloud's eyes became huge. "WHAT! THEY DOCK YOUR PAY THERE, TOO!" His eyes became full and he sobbed into his knees. "Oh my gosh! I'm so stupid! I got drunk and I caused such a mess. What's the POINT of resigning? I'm GOING to get fired. A-and...this is the LONGEST time I've EVER kept a job..."

"Tifa...?" Cloud looked at his phone. "TIFA! Oh...it died on me..."

Don't you feel guilty?

Leon looked at the sky. Well...he really couldn't blame Cloud for being late. It _was_ pretty damn far from his apartment to the building. AND it was rather confusing. Plus...it wasn't really Cloud's fault for getting drunk that night...

Sora WAS after all...the most diabolical creature to ever set foot on the surface of the earth. Cloud wasn't _completely _at fault.

Leon stood up and brushed off his pants (leather...mweheheheh 8F). He was going in there, no matter what the hell could be lying on the floor...Cloud included.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo2

Cloud just simply stared at him. "Leon...?"

"Strife." Came the blunt reply.

Cloud gasped. "Wha-What are you doing here? I KNOW! YOU CAME TO FIRE ME!" he screamed, "B-BUT I KNEW THAT!"

In a flash, the man had disappeared behind the wall...

...Only to emerge holding VERY dusty pillows.

Leon blinked. "What are you-"

"SILENCE!" Cloud shrieked.

And he threw a pillow at Leon. "I KNOW WHY YOU'VE COME!"

And he threw yet another pillow at Leon.

Leon growled as he dodged the flurry of dusty pillows. "WtF!"

Cloud (obviously still drunk) jumped onto his sad excuse for a couch and...started throwing the cushions. "I WONT LET YOU DO IT!"

he picked up his shoe...

"I HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE, DAMMIT!"

Leon dodged the pillows, the cushions, the shoes, the FRIGGIN COUCH and tackled the blonde to the ground.

"_LISTEN TO ME_," he hissed. "I am NOT here to fire you. I am here to apo-apol...ap-p-p..."

"Apologize?" Cloud gasped.

"Yes...it seems that Sora was out of line...giving you an alcoholic drink that you obviously could not handle. What happened was clearly...um...you get the point."

Cloud's eyes shined. "So you mean, today wasn't my fault?"

Leon nodded.

"And you're not going to fire me?"

Leon nodded again.

"And that you're not going to dock my pay or anything?"

Leon's head was starting to hurt.

"No..."

"S-So I get to STAY?"

"Yes..."

Cloud smiled brightly, and threw his arms around Leon's neck. "THANK YOU!" he breathed. Crying tears of happiness, he buried his face in the crook of the other man's neck. "THANK YOU! You won't regret it! I promise!"

Leon blushed, but (hesitantly) returned the bruising hug.

"Make it worth my while..."

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx3

"Get OFF of me, Yuffie..."

Yuffie squeaked happily. "OH SQUALL! YOU BIG FAT SOFTIE! We ALL saw what happened between you too!" she grabbed his hands and danced around in a little sugar-hyped circle.

"And how did you do that?"

Yuffie giggled. "With Aerith's CAMERA off course! Man, if she never had suggested bringing while we followed you, we would have NEVER had been able to broadcast you're touching lil moment!"

Leon should have screamed. At that moment, he should have grabbed the girls neck and wrung it in half. He should have burned down the office building and hurt whoever dared to bring the subject up again.

But he was too giddy to care.

Well...not that you could tell. I mean, this IS Leon we're talking about.

So...

He simply rubbed his temples and cursed out loud. "Yuffie...why the HELL were you two following me?"

Yuffie seemed to think for a moment, and then she smiled coyly. "Oh...well...we just wanted to see if you had the balls to go all the way with you're hot new secretary!"

Leon glared at her. "No, Yuffie. I just went there to apologize to him."

Yuffie rolled her eyes. "And since when do you apologize to people?"

"Since I met Cloud Strife. For an idiot...he's not that bad."

Yuffie stared at him. For a whole minute and a half, she just STARED at him...not talking...not breathing...just staring.

Okay, it didn't last long...

BEFORE SHE FRIGGIN BLASTED THROUGH THE WALL!

"You LIKE him!" she screamed. "OH! I KNEW IT! IknewitIknewitIknewit! I knew that you like him!"

"Just because I said that he was 'Okay' doesn't mean that I like him."

"Yes it does...! OO! Wait till I tell Aerith!" and with this announced, she blew through the wall (re-demolishing it) and sprinted down the hallway.

"Why is everyone trying to KILL MY OFFICE?" Leon sighed. His eyes roamed the hallways and rested on his secretary's desk.

"I blame it on you..." he whispered harshly.

Yet he couldn't hide his smile...

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx4

done...sorry it took so damn long. Suggestions? Comments? Complaints? Go ahead and review me...


	6. Just Wondering

Yea, so it's been a while since the last update. I can't believe that I'm still gettin reviews even though I haven't updated in like...FOREVER! Okay, well here's the next chapter...

Chapter: I forget...is it 6? Or is it 7? Or is it 5? Anywhom! Chapter : Just Wondering...

* * *

Sora had never been this happy. Riku was his again, that bimbo Cloud was sure to be fired, and Leon had gotten the mess of a lifetime in his prized office. All that was needed was the final touch, and his plan would be perfect. Smirking evilly, he strode through the large double doors leading to the President's office.

The room was fairly large and always empty. Sora had to make sure not to tinker with everything. The 'boss' got really angry when his shit was touched. Reminded him of the time he and Riku snuck into the place and had a 7 hour round of sex on nearly every flat surface in the room.

He almost got shot that night. Laughing demonically, he picked up the phone lying on the counter and speed dialed to the rival company of the Corp.

"Hello, Paine? Yes, it's me again." he giggled nervously. "Yes, can I speak to the President? I have someone that he's been looking for. Yes. Alright, I'll hold on."

A dark voice crept onto the receiver. "So, what news do you have for me, Sora?"

"I found him..."

A sharp gasp was heard from the other side of the phone. "You found huggy bear?"

Sora stared at the phone. "Um...sure...?"

A girlish squeal erupted from the phone. "YAY! Where is he? Can I come over? Has he been eating? OhMIGOSH, HEHASBEENEATING,RIGHT? IFIFINDHIMANDHE'SJUSTSIKINANDBONES,ISWEARTHATI'LLKILLYOU!OHMIGOSH!"

"SIR! Please, just calm down. I've found him, and he's fine. But you won't be able to get him for a while. He's currently 'infatuated' with someone else."

The man screamed. "WHO? I order you to hurt that man, kill him! I don't want Huggy on ANYONE but me, I swear Sora! You better get rid of him or else!"

Sora sweatdropped. "It's already been started, I promise! By the time you come, Cloud will be dead and your...bear...will belong to you again, okay? So don't spazz..."

A collective sob was the reply, and Sora slammed the phone down. Sighing, he strode out the doors and into the elevator.

"I sometimes feel bad for you, Sephiroth..."

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxxXxX2

Cloud was going to do his best. He was going to make Squall...er...Leon proud of him no matter what. No matter how many times Riku groped him, Sephiroth attempted to molest him, and Cid punched him in the gut...he was going to make Leon happy.

Either that, or die trying.

He hadn't been late to work since then (then being about 3 weeks ago...), had gotten all his work done (even if it meant staying at work till midnight), and hadn't had his paycheck docked for more than an entire week.

On a sour note, he hadn't slept in 2 weeks, and was starting to hallucinate. He hadn't eaten in 4 days (he didn't have the time, and there was no way in HELL that he'd trust Sora to give him food.) And he had to walk to work, since the bus came too late and there were too many stops along the way.

Coffee had been his battery for the past several days, but for some odd reason, the coffee tasted less and less like coffee with each drink (homemade coffee from SORA)...and he had become disturbingly twitchy due to this.

But all this extra work was making Leon happy, and he had promised the brunette that he would do better.

Of course Leon had hardly cared either way, so for the time being...all was well.

As Cloud supposed.

"Strife," Leon called. "It's already way past work hours. Go home, it's starting to rain."

Cloud shook his head. The bus drivers were asleep for the night and no taxi would come at that hour.

Leon sighed. "You can't sleep here over night. So either you get your butt home or sleep on the streets."

Cloud nodded dumbly, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "Yea. Okay."

Leon frowned. "Are you alright?"

"Yea. Sure."

One word sentences were never a good sign. "So...uh...just how are you getting home? You can't drive, can you?"

"I'm walking."

"In this weather? Let me give you a ride."

"No. I mean I...let me just walk, okay?" (Insert Twitch)

Too bad Leon noticed.

"Did...did you just twitch?"

Cloud smiled nervously. "Me? (Twitch) No...I'm...(twitch) just tired..."

Leon stared at him oddly. "More of a reason for you to come with me. I highly doubt that Coffee is having a positive affect on you..."

"(Twitch) Coffee? I love coffee! (Twitch) Without it, I wouldn't be standing here."

Leon nodded. The blonde had obviously gone insane (finally). "Cloud," he started slowly, "If you walk home in that weather, you might not ever come back. So please, come with me. You can take tomorrow off."

Cloud backed away dangerously, and made a mad rush for the door. Sadly, he tripped over his own two feet and landed face first on the hard carpet. "Ow..."

Leon crouched down next to him. "See? You'd be better off with me. Besides, I heard that Sephiroth lives in the apartment next to yours. Are you sure that you want him to see you dripping wet, with your clothes trapped onto your body, crawling up the stairs with your hair in your eyes and-"

Leon shivered. BAD IMAGES! Bad...yummy images.

Goddamn images.

"-With that tongue of yours hanging out in fatigue. And as you bring your hands out to brush your hair out of your face, he'll grab it...and pull you into his apartment..."

"Er...Leon...?"

"...Where he'll tie you to the ground and rip your clothes into pieces. Then he'll spank you...and spank you...and spank you..."

"Leon! Please, you sound just like Sephiroth." Cloud grunted and pushed himself off the ground.

Only to fall flat on his face. Again.

He stared at his foot in horror. "I...I can't move!"

Leon frowned. "Did you twist your ankle?"

"I must have! Fuck, what am I going to do!"

Insert pervy idea **here.**

"I could carry you."

Cloud narrowed his eyes. "After that Semi-Sephi rant that you just put me through? I think not..."

Leon gently lifted Cloud into his arms, frowning at the man's weight. "Cloud, have you been eating regularly? You're so much lighter than before..."

"ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY I WAS FAT!"

Leon's turn to twitch. "Don't change the subject. You haven't been eating, have you?"

Cloud sighed. "I haven't had time to eat. I've been rushing to the office and then rushing home...It's just been a hassle...Ugh.."

As if on cue, Cloud's stomach gave a rather large and long growl.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Cloud huffed. "Like anyone would care..."

"I care. You haven't slept or eaten in day, Cloud. I can't have you working like this."

"But...I promised!"

Leon sighed. "Forget it, Cloud. I'm sure that everyone would rather have you drooling on the job than starving."

Cloud stared at him. "E-Even you?"

"...yes. Even me..."

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxxXxX3

Mmmmm. Nice warm sheets. Yes...how he loved nice warm sheets. Nice warm silky sheets, nice warm fluffy pillow. Nice warm rose scented room.

Okay...there was no way in hell for him to _possibly _be at his house. His room smelled weird, his sheets were from dollar stores, and he slept with a teddy bear for a pillow.

Wasn't it nice to dream?

He slid away from the inviting sheets and tiptoed out of the bedroom. This might've been one of Sephiroth's many attempts to rape him, so for the moment he needed to be cautious. He crept down the stairs and towards the living room, his hand searching the walls for the light switch. He flicked it, and the room was full of light.

Cloud gasped.

Lying like a sleeping angel was Leon. His luscious brown hair fell over his face, and his small pouty lips formed an imagine of innocence.

Odd how those same lips commanded people around through the day.

"Eye-humping me in my sleep, Strife? Very low."

Cloud's eyes snapped up. "How long were you awake?"

Leon smirked. "I should be asking you that. You fell asleep in my car and I could barely budge you. I would've just left you there, but you might have gotten sick, and I don't need Cloud germs in my car."

"Thanks..."

Leon held out his hand, beckoning Cloud onto the couch with him. Gingerly, Cloud sat down next to Leon. "Thanks for letting me stay in your place."

"Pleasure's all mine. Besides...I've been meaning to ask you something."

Cloud looked at him curiously. "Ask me what?"

Leon looked at him seriously. "Are you gay?"

"WHAT?"

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxxXxX4 end.

I am SO SORRY that I ended it there. Well...my fic sucks anyway. It makes me happy to see so many people reading my piece o' shit!

I'll update soon, I SWEAR IT! So keep reviewing!

For those who are a little lost, Sora hates Cloud because Riku keeps flirting with him. Get it? Okay, this is pointless...


	7. Unfortunate Miscalculation

OO. I really do wonder why people bother to read my sad excuse for a fic. I really do. Wow. You guys want an update that bad? LOL! It was barely a cliffhanger! I'm surprised. Well...I guess that I could update now...even though I should really be studying for the final exams.

Did anyone else find KH2 boring as hell? I know I did! The game freakin sucks!

Okay, so here's the next chapter. You guys rock XD.

Chapter 7 (it IS 7, right!): Unfortunate Miscalculation.

* * *

Leon stared hard into the eyes of the blonde before him, anxiously awaiting an answer. "Well, Strife? Are you gay or not?"

Cloud froze, his expression comparable to either a dead fish or a deer frozen in headlights. "I...you...wait, I..."

"Yes?"

My, wasn't this amusing? Cloud's eyes darted from left to right, searching for the quickest escape possible. The last thing he needed was another Sephiroth. He swallowed nervously and backed away, his hand groping for a weapon to strike with, if it was necessary.

Leon, however was growing impatient. "Answer me. Are you gay? Yes or no?"

"What makes you think that I am?" Cloud retorted, his fingers curling around a lamp.

Leon snorted. "What do you think? You walk like a woman, you sound like a woman, you smell like a woman, you act like a woman, sometimes you look like a woman-"

"Wait, _WHAT?" _

"Sephiroth and Riku are always touching you, you wear overly tight pants, you take better care of your hair than any woman at the job, you purr in your sleep, you cry when Cid makes fun of you-"

"That was only _ONCE!" _

"You scream like a little girl, you have the temper of a pregnant woman, you wear lip gloss _and _eyeliner, you bruise easily-"

"I'm FRAGILE!"

"You're loud, your hyperactive, you need to _stop _shaking your ass when you walk, you're wearing perfume from Victoria's Secret-"

Cloud blushed. "OKAY, STOP! I'm not gay, alright? I don't know why the hell you have a list of reasons why I would/should be, or why you watch my ass move when I walk, or why you've probably been stalking me, but I'm not gay! In fact, if anyone here is gay, it's _you, _Leon."

Leon narrowed his eyes. "Excuse me?"

Cloud nodded. "That's right! What the hell type of straight person watches the way another man walks, or notices the smell of the perfume they wear, or stares at their lips to know what type of makeup they wear, or follows said other man around town?"

In a whirl of anger, Leon stood up and pinned the blonde to a wall. Terrified, Cloud swung the lamp and nailed Leon in the shoulder. Leon, having yet to notice the attack, thrust his knees between Cloud's legs and harshly grabbed his shoulders.

"What makes you think that I give a hell about what you do? I'm a man of the company, meaning that everything I do is for the company. If you think that I have time to follow an utter dumbass like you around, then you're wrong. I felt bad for you because Sora has been giving you somewhat of a hard time, and I thought that I could help you, considering that you are new and having a hard time. Forgive me for being curious," he spat. "People like you cause distractions for other people, mainly me. Especially since your very being is a nuisance." He harshly squeezed Cloud's shoulder, emphasizing his point.

And was rewarded with a lamp nearly implanted in his head. Immediately, he released his hold on the other man, his hand flying to stop the pain rushing to his head.

Cloud panted heavily, his eyes overflowing with angry tears. "I hate you!" he screamed. "And you know WHAT! Stupid gays like YOU make life hell for ME! I'm sorry that I can't control my ability to be a nuisance, and the way I distract people! I'm sorry for the way I distract you! You stupid GAY idiot!"

Leon glared at him from his position on the floor. "I'm the gay one here? Look at you! You look like a hurt woman!"

"I AM a hurt woman!" Cloud screamed. "I FEEL like a hurt woman! I hate you, Squall Leonheart. I hate you, asshole! I hate you!"

Cloud raced back into the bedroom, snatched his shoes from the closet, pulled them on and raced out the door, stopping only to give Leon a quick kick in the balls.

"And you don't even HAVE to fire me, _because I quit!"_

Ain't life grand?

* * *

xXxXx xXxXx xXxXx xXxXx xXxXx xXxXx xXxXx xXxXx xXxXx

Leon had expected a quiet day at work the next morning. He had expected no interruptions, no noise, no feet rushing around the office in a hurry. He had almost expected praise.

He hadn't expected a crowd of idiots to come rushing into his office, feminine shrieks in his ears, and whines of protest from a certain overly exuberant female.

Yes, I do mean Yuffie.

"SQUALL LEONHEART!" she screamed. "What the hell did you do?"

Leon gritted his teeth. "Whatever do you mean, Yuffie?"

"Cut the bullshit!" she hissed. "Cloud isn't here today, and I saw you carrying him into your car last night! I want to know where the hell he is, right now!"

Sephiroth cut in. "Listen you pompous, paradoxical, unreflective, half-witted, twit. You will tell me where Cloud is and you will tell me NOW. If you don't, so help me God, I will slash you into pieces and feed your remains to my house flies!"

"Shut up, Sephybitch!" Riku hissed. "Look, Leon. We all saw Cloud get in your car last night, (don't ask how) I know that he's still with you! You probably raped him, killed him, and stuffed him in the closet!"

Aerith cut in. "People, please! We are all worried about Mr. Strife. But attacking Leon isn't going to help anyone!"

"IT's helping me!" screamed Yuffie.

Cid cut in. "Look, people! Why don't you all just shut the fuck up and give Leon some space to tell us what happened?"

Leon glared at them. "I don't have to tell you people anything."

Aerith glared at him. "Leon..."

"Look, fucker! Tell me why Cloud isn't warming that seat with his ass, and you tell me NOW."

Aerith sighed. "Leon..."

"You will regret this, Leonheart..."

"Leon..."

"Squall, get over yourself! Don't you make me march to his apartment and ask him!"

"For the last time, nothing happened! Stop asking me that!"

And finally, folks! Aerith snapped. Grabbing Leon harshly by his collar she hissed "LISTEN, you STUPID little FUCK!" (Ohh...fiesty!) "Either you bring that little behind back in that chair RIGHT THIS SECOND, or I make you wish that you have never set foot in your stupid little office, dickshit."

Yea, Aerith when she's mad, people.

Leon sighed (Aerith...needs help..) "Cloud Strife is gone. And..." he stared at the secretary's desk longingly. "And...he's not coming back.

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sora smirked evilly, rubbing his hands together in devilish glee. Yes! Riku was going to be his again! Finally! No more interruptions from that idiot bimbo Cloud!

Nearly drooling in anticipation, he picked up the phone and rapidly pressed the numbers. "Hello, sir?"

Sora smiled wickedly as the voice cried out in surprise.

"It worked. He's gone..."

The deep voice laughed. "I'm on my way..."

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx xXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Cloud wondered aimlessly down the dangerous slums of Traverse Town, too angry to head back home. His eyes scanned his surroundings, taking in every refreshing site.

Suddenly, a car rolled up behind him. A tall tanned man stepped out, offering his hand to Cloud. Cloud stared at the man before asking "Do I know you?"

"Mr. Strife," the man began. "My name is Ansem. And I have been waiting for you."

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay, yes. Short chapter, I know. Cliffhanger, I know. But...! It's not as bad as the last chapter, yes?

(Dodges Bullets)


End file.
